Names Night

This week my name was painted on the Comedy Store, signifying becoming a paid regular. I suppose I could’ve been bummed that I didn’t have someone to share this momentous occasion with but actually I felt it was completely appropriate that I would be there alone.

Comedy is a lonely pursuit. As a runner, I liken it to running long distances. While I respect other people in the race and on the sidelines, my job is to keep my eye on the finish line and pace my energy and focus accordingly. It’s a career built on solitude, introspection, and sacrifice. It seems to run in my family. My brother Neil, a marathon runner and an actuary, didn’t tell anyone about most of his major milestones, including graduating from his masters program.

Another comedian who had his name painted on the wall this week was Angelo Bowers, who at age 26, was tragically killed earlier this year by a drunk driver. A large group of his friends and family attended the ceremony to celebrate his accomplishment, give a speech, and photograph his name. Comics talked about his work ethic, his discipline and commitment to writing new jokes every day and performing constantly, and the way he treated others with respect and kindness. I didn’t know him well but when they described how he’d skip doing something fun to go write jokes I knew exactly who he was. He was one of us. As I looked through his photo album I realized what an honor this truly is, not only to be acknowledged for our work but just to be able to have another day to do that work.

Ten years ago I started stand up and ten years is longer than any (romantic) relationship I’ve had. Some girls have cute husbands, I have my name painted on the wall of The Comedy Store.

The Game

As my podcast co-host (podner) Jillian Lauren & I discussed last week on Eat My Podcast (ep 8 interview w/ Maria Bamford ) we think “The Game” is super lame.

The only girl who would fall for a guy “negging” or ignoring her is a damaged girl and/ or a girl so wasted that odds are the only “game” you’ll get from her is later that night when she throws up on your dick.

If you want to be the kind of guy who girls swoon over and brag to their friends about, treat her well like Jillian’s husband (Scott Shriner of Weezer) and other real men have been known to do. A smart girl with self esteem never brags to her friends about the guy who’s treating her badly, she just trashes him on her podcast and then goes on to make a web series about him. (See Romantic Encounters on Funny or Die )


traffic school

I once went to comedy traffic taught by a “comedian” where the main thing I learned is that there’s nothing funny about breaking the law. This time around I decided to go to a class taught by a non-performing civilian. To protect his anonymity, let’s call him Barney.

The first thing he did was go around the room and ask everyone what they did for a living and when they’d answer he’d try to get something free from them. For instance, when one guy answered “hotel cook,” Barney asked if he could get some food delivered to the traffic school and specified that he especially enjoyed lobster.

When he arrived at me I lied because I didn’t want him to show up at my shows.

I said, “I’m a writer.”
“Have you written anything we’ve heard of?”
He said, “I just read “Fifty Shades of Grey but I only read the kinky parts. I have a safe word and it’s ‘Don’t stop.’”

He proceeded to go over traffic laws for the next eight hours and when I say “go over traffic laws” I mean imparting extremely personal tidbits about himself and asking for feedback from the room while intermittently mentioning lane changes in intersections.

During the course of the day we learned, among other things, that he was conned by a hooker who said she’d go get him the drugs he’d just bought but never returned and that he’d been arrested and maced seven times in the last few years for “trying to leave this realm and meet his maker.”

Pretty quickly I realized this was not traffic school at all, it was just a $387 one man show with traffic laws serving as the spine. Well played, Los Angeles.

Cereal Dater

If there’s no chemistry or true connection on a date it doesn’t matter how amazing the food is, the experience will still leave a bad taste in your mouth(s). That said, here are some visual highlights of amazing dates I’ve been on this summer. Some people get angry when other people post food photos and I can’t imagine what they’re so upset about unless they’ve never tasted the bacon wrapped scallops at The Palm or the perfect fish at Angelini Osteria- indeed, that would be very upsetting!

After seeing my solo show that my web series “Romantic Encounters” is based on ( my friend suggested I write a TV show called “Serial Dater” but spelled “Cereal Dater.” People say the darndest things when they’ve been smoking weed since sunrise.

Scallops & mushrooms at Angelini Osteria 7/8/2012

Sea bass garnished with a flower & scallops with broccolini & carrots at Geoffrey’s.

Butterfly heart room at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood 7/26.

Mozza Osteria 7/2

Matsuhisa 7/5

lobster salad @ Matsuhisa

miso cod

Bacon wrapped scallops at The Palm Steakhouse 7/13


Ok, I could keep going but I’m getting hungry. Enjoy your dating & don’t forget that chemistry is always the most essential ingredient.

This was originally posted February 26, 2010.

I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during…

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