I’m at nobu malibu, is that albacore in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?
why don’t they just make a camera that takes away 10 lbs?
when people find out i’m a comedian they often say, “tell me a joke.” that’s like telling a magician you just met to cut a lady in half.
pet peeve: people who say “rockin.”
going to a pool party dressed as a ninja because you just never know where you’ll meet your husband.
some of the tweets coming into my phone didn’t get picked up for a 2nd season.