This week my name was painted on the Comedy Store, signifying becoming a paid regular. I suppose I could’ve been bummed that I didn’t have someone to share this momentous occasion with but actually I felt it was completely appropriate that I would be there alone.

Comedy is a lonely pursuit. As a runner, I liken it to running long distances. While I respect other people in the race and on the sidelines, my job is to keep my eye on the finish line and pace my energy and focus accordingly. It’s a career built on solitude, introspection, and sacrifice. It seems to run in my family. My brother Neil, a marathon runner and an actuary, didn’t tell anyone about most of his major milestones, including graduating from his masters program.

Another comedian who had his name painted on the wall this week was Angelo Bowers, who at age 26, was tragically killed earlier this year by a drunk driver. A large group of his friends and family attended the ceremony to celebrate his accomplishment, give a speech, and photograph his name. Comics talked about his work ethic, his discipline and commitment to writing new jokes every day and performing constantly, and the way he treated others with respect and kindness. I didn’t know him well but when they described how he’d skip doing something fun to go write jokes I knew exactly who he was. He was one of us. As I looked through his photo album I realized what an honor this truly is, not only to be acknowledged for our work but just to be able to have another day to do that work.

Ten years ago I started stand up and ten years is longer than any (romantic) relationship I’ve had. Some girls have cute husbands, I have my name painted on the wall of The Comedy Store.

I once went to comedy traffic taught by a “comedian” where the main thing I learned is that there’s nothing funny about breaking the law. This time around I decided to go to a class taught by a non-performing civilian. To protect his anonymity, let’s call him Barney.

The first thing he did was go around the room and ask everyone what they did for a living and when they’d answer he’d try to get something free from them. For instance, when one guy answered “hotel cook,” Barney asked if he could get some food delivered to the traffic school and specified that he especially enjoyed lobster.

When he arrived at me I lied because I didn’t want him to show up at my shows.

I said, “I’m a writer.”
“Have you written anything we’ve heard of?”
“No.”
He said, “I just read “Fifty Shades of Grey but I only read the kinky parts. I have a safe word and it’s ‘Don’t stop.’”

He proceeded to go over traffic laws for the next eight hours and when I say “go over traffic laws” I mean imparting extremely personal tidbits about himself and asking for feedback from the room while intermittently mentioning lane changes in intersections.

During the course of the day we learned, among other things, that he was conned by a hooker who said she’d go get him the drugs he’d just bought but never returned and that he’d been arrested and maced seven times in the last few years for “trying to leave this realm and meet his maker.”

Pretty quickly I realized this was not traffic school at all, it was just a $387 one man show with traffic laws serving as the spine. Well played, Los Angeles.

These are my friends Taylor Negron & Michael Feldman at Taylor’s art opening last eve.
Do you know what a breath of fresh air it is to have talented, lovely friends like this? Amidst all of the duplicitous shit-bags one could encounter in the city of angles—(yes, i meant to say “angles” not “angels”)—these individuals are daily improving the social and creative landscape with their very existences.

The other night Tay and I went to the Mitch Hedberg show that Lynn Shawcroft put together and we were very moved and inspired by the excerpts from Mitch’s notebooks, Lynn’s thoughtful recollections, and the great performances by hilarious Karen Kilgariff, Garfunkel & Oates, Nick Thune, Brody Stevens & more. (I was delighted to discover that Karen is putting out a CD of her amazing, clever, twinkly-eyed songs! What a talent, and I loved her Mitch story.)

I was most moved by a video they played of Mitch after a show being interviewed by a weird kid. It really depicted the loneliness of backstage, touring, and being a performer. In the film some fans come in and one girl is freaking out because she didn’t eat for 2 weeks in order to save money to see Mitch. Mitch then asked how much the ticket was and refunded her money and her friend’s money.

It was really intense and it made me feel especially grateful to have genuine, real, solid friends in comedy who I really love. You should check out the website Lynn put together for more moving gems and treats: www.mitchhedberg.net.

If The Royal Wedding had been a Kardashian production they would’ve cashed in on its global popularity with merchandise ranging from vagina shaped hats to a must-have British fragrance called “Repression.” The Princess would’ve been displayed on the cover of every magazine with an inflated rump and a spray tan, erupting in Jerry Springer-esque tantrums and staged sister drama.

Deb O’Neill, Arden Myrin, Tory Davis, Kate Flannery, Caitlin Scanlon, & me soaking up some nature & girl time in Ojai, photographed squinting into the bright lights of our futures.

Ojai is amazing. The air is clean, the trees are wise, the tea is on. Also, hanging out with girls who are cool, smart & funny warms my soul.

Go here to watch, learn and read stuff:

Arden’s website: www.ardenmyrin.com
Kate’s website: http://thelampshades.com/fan-pages/kate-flannery/
Tory’s blog: www.thewaytoeat.blogspot.com

My first job on TV was on a “talking heads” show called “50 Cutest Child Stars: All Grown Up” which is still airing on E! network. Fellow comedian & friend Whitney Cummings (www.whitneycummings.com) referred me to the producer who then hired me to write jokes about child stars and say them on camera. Whitney did a ton of these shows, as did Chelsea Handler. I wrote like five pages of jokes but only one joke made it to air: “‘Party of Five’ was a show about five orphans; that doesn’t sound like much of a party to me.”

After that first show I was hired to do many talking heads shows on Bravo, TruTV (“Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest”), E!, Oxygen, and more. I got to work with a lot of great people and also had some not-so-great experiences.

For instance, I encountered a producer who kept pitching his bad jokes to me and when I reluctantly said them on camera, they were the only jokes that ended up on air in place of anything I’d written. One time I wrote a bunch of jokes and the same pervy producer cut me out of the entire episode (after hitting on me and discovering that I had a boyfriend) and actually gave my jokes to another gal to say. I was not only cut out of the episode but not even credited as a writer on the show. I was on the treadmill at my gym when I saw this girl saying MY jokes on TV.

Around this time Tom Gianas (director/ writer of Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, Human Giant, and Tenacious D series) came to me with an idea for a behind the scenes show. I told him all the stuff that had happened to me on the talking heads shows and we wrote this script. Ramsey Mellette graciously directed the shoot and hired an amazing crew. My good friend Jay Karas (super talented producer/ director of “After Lately”) helped shape it with a ton of notes in the edit.

It was really fun for me to play an asshole producer who hits on everyone despite being married to the head of the network (played by Laura Kightlinger) and who pitches terrible jokes and makes the show into a cheesy and gross abuse of the talented cast’s work. It was also such a great honor to work with so many of my favorite comedians: Mary Lynn Rajskub, Nick Thune, Laura Kightlinger, Jon Dore, Sklar Brothers, Eddie Pepitone, Jen Kirkman, Lynn Shawcroft, Brandon Johnson, Eric Charles Neilson and Drew Droege (most of whom are way too famous and big time to do an actual talking heads show.)

As a writer I just love when people give me the gift of their hideous behavior. There is nothing more gratifying than immortalizing it in a short story, blog, stand up bit or short film/ other script. On January 31st we screened it live at Tiger Lily for my CD release party and LA Weekly made the event “comedy pick” so it was a great crowd, great response, and a sweet ending to a mildly traumatic journey. Now you can watch it here & on YouTube. xox

If the royals really are “just like us” and the royal wedding is like some weddings that I’ve been to, then Kate Middleton will have a gaggle of jealous, cunty, and fighting bridesmaids who, despite their best attempts to contain their nastiness, will ooze thinly veiled tantrums, passive aggressive insults and self-serving gossip. The best man will get so drunk and high that he will mutter incoherently and vomit on himself and his inappropriately dressed, underage girlfriend. The bride and groom will tiptoe around the impossible task of concealing the various affairs, secrets, and mental illnesses on both sides of the family while the molesty uncle has his way with a caterer in the royal broom closet.

Best wishes for a beautiful wedding & a successful marriage, Kate & William!!— From all of us here at Marriage Material blog (me.)

A dating site is a terrific way to meet new people outside of your usual realm of friends, hobos, and men who can only stare at their shoes in your presence. I know like five couples who met online and went on to seal the deal with a bona fide marriage and subsequent divorce, so what are you waiting for?! Some of these sites are completely free so you can meet someone new for the same price as two free tacos and a free porno.

You gotta play to win so put your chips on cyberspace and create a profile! I think the key here is don’t overthink it. Less is more. You don’t want to waste all your valuable information nuggets on someone until you’ve deemed them “not insane” so just give a taste, a nibble, an appeteazer, if you will, and save the juicy motherload for the date (if said date warrants it.) Just think of yourself as Banksy—(http://www.banksy.co.uk/)— an international mystery, a shadow of a glimmer of what someone might get if they were to land a relationship with you.

There’s really nothing to lose because if it doesn’t end up being a love connection there are many other wonderful outcomes such as making an awesome new friend or FBC (Future Business Contact.) And remember, what could be more fun than being single in spring? The world is your boyster!

Sample profile:

My Self-Summary:

About me:
I’m amazing, I’ve really enjoyed working with myself on this project!

Religious philosophy:
Religions are like rappers; they all claim to be the best one and the more popular they are the more they get away with rape.

The role religion plays in my life:
I’m not really into organized religion but I can’t get enough of disorganized religion!

My personal motto or creed:
“When things are bad just remember they would definitely be worse if a Creed song was playing.”

Favorite item of clothing:
My mock turtleneck. Because the best way to wear a turtleneck is to fake it.

In my bedroom one will find…
A wardrobe that leads to Narnia.

What I like - or dislike - about what I do for a living:
I love the wrestling part but sometimes the mud gets old.

The six things I could never do without:
A dream-catcher. Dreams. The dreamer who dreams them. A porcelain frog with a top hat and cane.

This is me reading my story “The Hand Job Hamlet” at Corey Podell’s “Taboo Tales” show in Hollywood. The story is also on my CD “The Accidental Bisexual” available here:

http://web.me.com/melindahill/Melinda_Hill/merch.html & here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-accidental-bisexual/id411639526

Happy Saturday!

There’s no way you can move on when all the sordid details of a break up are still floating around in your brain. So get it on the page and let it go. Have you tried this? It’s awesome. This is the letter you’re never going to send. Write everything you hated, loved, miss about the situation, everything you wish it could’ve been, all the stuff you wanted to say but couldn’t, etc. The point of this letter is just to get everything out, free flow. Don’t get tripped up on “doing it right” or even spelling it right. You can spell check it later if need be but you may choose not to since you’re the only person who’ll ever see it. You’ll feel lighter and better, I promise.

Sample letter:

Dear Fuk-nuts,

I really thought we had a connection but then I realized that you are a robot. It’s hard to snuggle with a robot. Your metal encasing is so cold. You remind me of Edward Scissorhands in a lonely castle on a hill cutting anyone who tries to get close to you. I gave you my heart and you pulverized it like it was a beet for your vegetable smoothie. Additionally, I really miss kissing you, our walks, our talks and our travels and I’m so grateful for all that we learned and shared together. I especially want to thank you for inspiring my blog, which makes me so happy to write each day.

Sincerely,

You’re Ridiculous, Don’t Contact Me

There is no right way to write this letter. Grief has four stages and comes in all shapes and sizes. So just let it flow. One sentence may be very complimentary while the next may be the worst insult you can think of. Such is the kaleidoscope of human emotions. Just get the poison out and move on without judging it or you, sister-lady or man-fellow!

When you’re done go out and do 10 things that make you feel amazing.

Here are some things I did and loved:

—Took a hike at Griffith Observatory.
—Went to Detox Day Spa in Silverlake for an awesome facial/ massage combo with Asia & Julia (sounds like Wendy & Lisa from Prince but was not like that at all.)
—Signed on to go to a weekend retreat with my pals (@ardenmyrin, @kateflan & more) in Ojai. (Ojai-five!)
—Had a clothing swap with some really groovy ladies (@janiehaddad, @mariathayer, @aliontheair, @aimeemann, @carolinewphoto) & cleaned out and de-cluttered my whole house and got a few new items worth writing home about.
—Went on some dates and wore said new items.
—Made a vision board of my ideal relationship and posted the “ideal qualities” list smack-dab in the center of it for reference.
—Watched videos of Tom Waits & Mitch Hedberg performances.
—Made a plan to shoot a web series with Drew Droege (@glittergarbage.)
—Started blogging!!!

Your list might look like this:

—Swim with dolphins.
—Swim with whales.
—Swim with sharks.
—Go bungee jumping in the Outback.
—Zip line from your background to your neighbor’s.
—Take up karate and horse wrestling.
—Plant a garden while on hallucinogens.
—Build a boat from scratch.
—Change your name.
—Join the witness relocation program.

Let me know how it works out for you. Seriously, I love your comments. They make my day! Xox, Melinda