If there’s no chemistry or true connection on a date it doesn’t matter how amazing the food is, the experience will still leave a bad taste in your mouth(s). That said, here are some visual highlights of amazing dates I’ve been on this summer. Some people get angry when other people post food photos and I can’t imagine what they’re so upset about unless they’ve never tasted the bacon wrapped scallops at The Palm or the perfect fish at Angelini Osteria- indeed, that would be very upsetting!
After seeing my solo show that my web series “Romantic Encounters” is based on (http://www.funnyordie.com/romanticencounters) my friend suggested I write a TV show called “Serial Dater” but spelled “Cereal Dater.” People say the darndest things when they’ve been smoking weed since sunrise.
Scallops & mushrooms at Angelini Osteria 7/8/2012
Sea bass garnished with a flower & scallops with broccolini & carrots at Geoffrey’s.
Butterfly heart room at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood 7/26.
Mozza Osteria 7/2
lobster salad @ Matsuhisa
Bacon wrapped scallops at The Palm Steakhouse 7/13
Ok, I could keep going but I’m getting hungry. Enjoy your dating & don’t forget that chemistry is always the most essential ingredient.
Things I’ve overheard on my dates (being said to me.)
This isn’t working out.
You’ve had too much to drink.
This was really fun and I don’t know why! I mean, you’re pretty but you’re not a supermodel or anything.
Talking to a comedian is very intimidating. Usually ladies find me very funny and now I don’t know what to do to impress you.
You don’t talk much but I always heard comedians were boring in person so I get it.
You’re really pretty so…what’s the catch?
Let me lick your feet. Ok, then come to my dominatrix with me.
Come to Japan with me.
I live around the corner but I brought my car so I wouldn’t have to drink and walk.
My psychic said we should get married.
I’m so ambitious that I don’t even choke the chicken in the morning, I just wake up and fuck life!
Is that albacore in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?
Ok, so last night I went to this place Mako for sushi and it was off the motherfucking chain. If you don’t believe me, just read all of the awesome reviews on Yelp which I personally always find to be very yelpful: http://www.yelp.com/biz/mako-sushi-los-angeles
So it’s located on the 3rd floor of a random mall on the edge of Little Tokyo. It’s a small, economical space that’s super cute inside and feels like you’ve been transported to Japan. I’ve been to Japan twice, once to Tokyo on tour with my ex boyfriend’s band (currently known as Velvet Revolver) and once to Okinawa on tour to perform my comedy stylings for the US troops. So I’m not fucking around when I say this place feels like you’re in motherfucking Japan.
The staff is AMAZING, so contagiously excited to welcome you into their wonderful establishment. The sushi chef is pure joy and so much fun. We told him our basic food restrictions up front and then just let him serve whatever he saw fit and everything was fresh and yummo, start to finish. We had seaweed salad, spinach with sesame oil, grilled scallops & mushrooms, and salmon, tuna, yellowtail, albacore and crab sashimi. Helpful pointer: To get the ultimate experience, buy the sushi chef a beer or two. My friend did it and it really helped our case.
I just wanted to let you know that this place is no nonsense, awesome sushi. Also, afterward you can take a leisurely stroll around Little Tokyo—a great way to walk off all of the weight you didn’t gain from eating pure protein and vegetables. Park your car below, they validate and it’s motherfucking free. Take your date there and odds are she’ll shit herself with enthusiasm, unless she’s one of these weirdos who has a sensitive stomach when it comes to raw fish. (I’m talking about you, Jeremy Piven.) You’re welcome.
Online Dating: Portal To Your Soulmate(s)
A dating site is a terrific way to meet new people outside of your usual realm of friends, hobos, and men who can only stare at their shoes in your presence. I know like five couples who met online and went on to seal the deal with a bona fide marriage and subsequent divorce, so what are you waiting for?! Some of these sites are completely free so you can meet someone new for the same price as two free tacos and a free porno.
You gotta play to win so put your chips on cyberspace and create a profile! I think the key here is don’t overthink it. Less is more. You don’t want to waste all your valuable information nuggets on someone until you’ve deemed them “not insane” so just give a taste, a nibble, an appeteazer, if you will, and save the juicy motherload for the date (if said date warrants it.) Just think of yourself as Banksy—(http://www.banksy.co.uk/)— an international mystery, a shadow of a glimmer of what someone might get if they were to land a relationship with you.
There’s really nothing to lose because if it doesn’t end up being a love connection there are many other wonderful outcomes such as making an awesome new friend or FBC (Future Business Contact.) And remember, what could be more fun than being single in spring? The world is your boyster!
I’m amazing, I’ve really enjoyed working with myself on this project!
Religions are like rappers; they all claim to be the best one and the more popular they are the more they get away with rape.
The role religion plays in my life:
I’m not really into organized religion but I can’t get enough of disorganized religion!
My personal motto or creed:
“When things are bad just remember they would definitely be worse if a Creed song was playing.”
Favorite item of clothing:
My mock turtleneck. Because the best way to wear a turtleneck is to fake it.
In my bedroom one will find…
A wardrobe that leads to Narnia.
What I like - or dislike - about what I do for a living:
I love the wrestling part but sometimes the mud gets old.
The six things I could never do without:
A dream-catcher. Dreams. The dreamer who dreams them. A porcelain frog with a top hat and cane.
Awesome places to take your date.
East side dinner/ drinks/ activities:
Canele in Atwater http://www.canele-la.com/
Cliff’s Edge in Silverlake http://www.cliffsedgecafe.com/
Cafe Stella in Siverlake http://www.cafestella.com/
Blair’s in Silverlake http://www.blairsrestaurant.com/
Reservoir in Silverlake http://silverlakereservoir.com/
Forage in Silverlake http://www.foragela.com/
Dusty’s in Silverlake http://dustysbistro.com/
Little Dom’s in Los Feliz http://www.littledoms.com/
Tiki Ti in Los Feliz http://www.tiki-ti.com/pages/home.html
Greek Theater (for shows) http://www.greektheatrela.com/
Griffith Park (hikes w/ city views for the active types.)
Vista Theater (awesome cheapo matinee spot, gorgeous theater w/ ample leg room.)
Skylight books (cool free book signings) http://www.skylightbooks.com/
Barnsdall wine tastings at sunset http://www.barnsdall.org/events-2/wine-tastings/
East side coffee/ tea:
Intelligentsia in Silverlake http://www.intelligentsiacoffee.com/
LA Mill in Silverlake http://www.lamillcoffee.com/
Figaro in Los Feliz http://www.figarobistrot.com/
Tropical in Silverlake http://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-tropical-los-angeles
Varnish (cool speakeasy bar in the back of Cole’s with a prohibition vibe.)
Water Grill http://www.watergrill.com/
Edison (for shows & drinks) http://www.edisondowntown.com/
Bonaventure rotating bar (for drinks in a cheesy setting with a killer view.) http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=bonaventure+rotating+bar&find_loc=Los+Angeles%2C+CA
Magic Castle (seriously yummo food & not in a “magic club” kind of a way.) http://www.magiccastle.com/visiting/index.cfm
Izakaya sushi on 3rd St. http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-izaka-ya-by-katsu-ya-los-angeles
Yamashiro (for drinks) http://www.yamashirorestaurant.com/
Comme Ca (http://www.commecarestaurant.com/)
Hollywood Bowl (for shows like Radiohead, whatever, etc.) (http://www.hollywoodbowl.com/index.cfm)
M Cafe (organic, awesome, healthy, not fancy- good lunch spot.) http://www.mcafedechaya.com/
Mozza on Melrose
Soot Bul Jeep Korean BBQ (fun for a double date because you can all look at each other while you’re cooking your meats.) http://www.yelp.com/biz/soot-bull-jeep-los-angeles#hrid:QibhvlHUPdKAxWYF54JavQ
McCabe’s (for music) http://www.mccabes.com/
the ocean. (as in the Pacific. like, take a walk on the edge of it, man— it’s intense.)
Rose Tea Cottage (for tea & crumpets) http://www.rosetreecottage.com/RTC-Website-2011-V004/Welcome.html
Inn of the Seventh Ray (amazing place nestled in nature- great for dinz, brunch, or your wedding.) http://www.innoftheseventhray.com/
Reel Inn (for a casual day lunch by the sea.) http://reelinnmalibu.com/
—1 out of 3 dudes who took me to Stella on a first date ended up coming to Paris with me.
—Another 1 out of the same 3 dudes who took me to Stella on a first date ended up coming to Hawaii with me.
—100% of those trips were provided by my job doing stand up comedy.
Moral: A dude can buy you a nice fish and you eat for a night but if you learn how to buy your own fish while doing what you love, you can go anywhere in the world and eat fish with the dude of your choice for a lifetime.
Marriage Material: Deal Breakers
I start every morning with a wonderful routine of strong coffee, positive affirmations, and a morning after pill. And by morning after pill, I mean a medley of exercises designed to purge any neggo thoughts/ emotions from the night before so that I might start the day anew, unfettered and untethered.
These feel-good activities vary, depending on the shame quotient attached to the preceding night’s events.
Today’s exercises were passed on to me by the amazing meditation teacher and hilarious comedian/ writer (triple-threat with no regrets) Laura House (please see www.laurahouse.com.) I am excited to share them with you because they really helped a friend of mine (me) through a hard time (my current break up) and seeing my friend (me) get to the other side of this tremendous hardship (it’s still happening) has been extremely inspiring (remains to be seen.)
So let’s begin: Make two lists.
One is your list of “deal breakers” and one is your list of “ideal boyfriend (insert your preferred gender/ species here) qualities.” After writing said lists, compare the two and it should be very clear to you whether this guy/ gal/ alien is really for you or not. How many ideal qualities/ deal breakers did she/ he have? There is nothing like clarity to clear up the fog of oxytocin and codependence that has turned you into a sad face emoticon.
This is very helpful because if you can see that someone was not and never could be what you needed in a partner without a complete psychic overhaul, then you’ll be able to rationally move on and the emotional moveon.org will soon follow. It might also show you that maybe this WAS the ideal person for you and now you can act accordingly. I urge you to be honest with yourself because honesty is liberating and also so much more attractive than being a self-deluded dildo.
MY IDEAL MATE:
Has two ears
-Is from a state that specializes in growing corn.
Is named Husk
-Is an avid listener of Husker Du
-Wears a do-rag
-He refuses to meet my family, claiming that they smell like wet cat food.
-He is part wolf.
-He refuses to drive and his main mode of transport is a hang glider.
-When he kisses me I feel like I’m being suffocated because he is literally strangling me.
-Every night he briefly dies during sleep apnea attacks and upon returning to consciousness has no memory of who I am.
Remember, the sooner you let go of that ill-fitting relationship the sooner you make room for the one that will fit right. Just think of it as a pair of jeans that are too big and frumpy and make your ass look like it has chunky baby arms. (Actually that analogy won’t work because you can alter frumpy jeans but not frumpy men or any men.) So instead, just think of that ill-fitting relationship like it’s a diaphragm that’s too big and have the courage to throw it out (of the car window while driving on the freeway) and then switch to the morning after pill.